GOAL: ACKNOWLEDGE
Why Hating Your Parents May Not Be A Bad Thing
The greatest gift a parent can give their child - the privilege of being hated.
Ironically, good parents run the risk of being hated because we feel safe enough in their love to entertain the thought.
Bad parents are enabled, indulged, even worshipped. Bad parents follow us like ghosts into our adult lives, haunting every good and bad thing that enters it.
I hated my parents when they lost their status of divinity; when I grew up and realized that they're just regular, heavily flawed people too, and that I was wrong to trust them my whole life.
It's frustrating to realize that they didn't know any better. I should've been making my own decisions about my relationships, my career, and my future rather than following what they said.
I hated them when I realized that they steered me into a life I didn't like or ask for.
Hating our parents helps us rip off that phantom umbilical cord. It's a good thing.
Zooming out, I would even say that cultural systems where parents are elevated to a superior status over their children entrench ineffective traditions, oppressive hierarchy, and stagnation in their overall societies. The structure of their government reflects the structure of their family unit.
Resenting our parents is one of the first steps in growing up to be our own person.
And so...
...I hope that you felt loved enough to hate them, and not fear that feeling of hatred. I hope that you feel loved enough that you actually like yourself and advocate for yourself.
I hope that your parents provided a safe space for you to have your own thoughts, desires, and to develop confidence in your own body.
I hope that your parents modeled healthy love - whether in their interactions with each other, or their friends, or their families - so that you are able to recognize healthy adult love in your own relationships.
We didn't all have such a privileged childhood.
So if you hate your parents because they were good, then that's great.
If you hate your parents because they were bad, even better. The issue is where you enable, indulge, and worship them when they were actually bad people, as often happens in toxic family systems. Our goal is to be able to place anger and blame squarely where it truly belongs - i.e. not us, who were the helpless children relying on our dominant, powerful parents for survival.
In all cases, hating your parents is actually a good sign.
Exercise
SELF-DISCOVERY
- What were your parents wrong about?
- What things did they do that you swear you'll never do too?
- What do you like about your parents?
Acknowledge Mementos
VISUAL REMINDERS